My Husband was Right. Did I Say That? ~ Jewels Muller

TJ and JewelsMy Husband was Right. Did I Say That?


Let me back up. OK, for the last week or so I have been anxiously awaiting the start of  Online High School for the boys. Not Homeschool but Online School. They will be at Home doing Online work with virtual teachers. I knew that I would have to clear my schedule, have all of my work completed ahead of time, and be prepared to set them up for success. What does that mean exactly? Well, I would have to make sure that their computers were in working order, that they could log in with the appropriate information, that they knew how to retrieve their emails, and I would have to read over each syllabus with them to make sure that they know exactly what to do and how to do it. We needed to do everything right! (Yes, this is a problem area for me, LOL)

So, my comment to my husband yesterday was,

“Oh boy, we are going to have a lot to do tomorrow! 7 classes, different teachers, all of these expectations. It is going to be a lot!” Maybe I was fishing for some empathy or perhaps a compliment like,

“You will all do great! No worries, you got this!”

I think what I got was the complete opposite. Not at all what I expected to hear. Something like,

“This is not YOUR school. This is NOT for you to succeed or fail. What kid do you know that has their parents show up on the first day of 9th grade to help them turn the pages of the book or open their lockers?”

Like I said, not what I was expecting…. so, in my defense I argued,

“But I want to set them up for success! I want to make sure they know what they are doing and have everything they need!”

His response,

“If you are always setting them up for success, how are they going to learn how to set themselves up for success!”

Uggh….. That was the kicker. He was RIGHT! I am tearing up now, just posting this. He is so right. He went on to say that my job could be to make sure they have a healthy breakfast and to be there when they have questions, but I don’t need to orchestrate the entire experience for them, schedule their time, and  sharpen their pencils. They have a homeroom teacher, a math tutor available 8 hours everyday, and a teacher in every subject.

The part that made me the most anxious over the last week or so, was thinking of trying to get them to do what I say. I was envisioning the endless arguments. What my husband did was give me the greatest gift of all. Permission to be Mom not drill sergeant. I am no longer their Homeschool teacher. I am their MOM! This may sound silly to some of you and others may have been in my shoes. Some may be thinking… yes, set them up for success the poor babies. Some may be thinking, thank goodness that husband said something.

I feel/felt responsible. Now I know that it is up to them to succeed or fail. Of course I want them to succeed. This is still very difficult for me but I am staying out of it. I am saying things like,

“Email your teacher and ask her.”

“I don’t know. What do you think?”

I am still struggling with the notion that they don’t need me and that somehow I am responsible but I know this is what is best for all of us. I felt such relief after I digested what my husband was saying. I was making myself anxious. These boys are completely capable. Why do I still want to “Mother” them even though they are 14 years old?

Boys downtown IndyI think this is worse than taking them to the first day of Kindergarten. I mean, it is all good. I am just a little sad. I know it isn’t all or nothing. I just need to adjust, transition, and change my role a bit.  I love these two with all of my heart. My husband scored a few extra points yesterday as well. I am blessed beyond words. I will find my place again.

Jewels Muller HeadshotI will correct and continue! I am a warrior! AHO!

Jewels Muller

6 replies
  1. Lee H.
    Lee H. says:

    Oh Julie, be of good cheer. They are your boys, they will love you forever!
    Having raised two boys myself….I can say this with confidence. They may not like some things….that’s ok. They will grow to be men you are proud of…no matter what you do. Letting go is never easy….the rewards are great! My boys and I have also been through many trials….and come out the other side…still loving each other no matter what!
    Your a great MOM Julie….. Trudge on!

  2. Brenda
    Brenda says:

    great work Jewels you have been there for your boys at all this different ways
    Your now shifting to a deeper level of trust, truSt that you efforts to this point have landed, Trust that you are loved without crossing all the t’s and dotting the I’s and trusting that you your boys and Tj are all having the best experience for their light to shine.
    Love your honesty and self reflection

  3. Chelsea Callicott
    Chelsea Callicott says:

    Loved reading this, as we share this experience of twins going to HS. I have a very hard time with my ‘hawking” of them about food, drink, sunscreen, doing chores…. I need to find my status as an eagle and soar above them, seeing them from enough distance that I don’t jump in to give them a rat or a snake when they are hungry, but rather let them find it themselves, of which they are completely capable. It’s hard with their sports, and it’s hard at home but school, by design, is hard in a different way. I can’t wait to read Raising an Adult, which I’ve heard is a great read and especially relevant to those of us who like to “set our kids up for success.” love you, Jewels, and that oh so wise husband of yours. Nice of you to acknowledge TJ publicly, too.

    • Jewels Muller
      Jewels Muller says:

      So great to hear from you Chelsea! Thanks for reading my Blog. I am not sure why the comments don’t show up on the blog?? I am learning so much myself. Hope to see you on my next visit to Bend. xoxo


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